Once again the time has come for me to seek input on one of my works, only this time, I figured it'd be best to stop by here, since you guys are all about rhymes and stuff, from what I've seen. =P Anyway, I'm trying to come up with a good verse that sounds both slightly threatening and yet oddly innocent at the same time. So far, this is what I've come up with, so if anyone could like, give me input on this, it'd be appreciated. =)
The Verse: "Here I lie beside my grave, A twisted secret many crave. A rumble underfoot, a shadow in the sky, Signs of what's to come; hints at who's to die. A poison I am not, however much accused They come, and they go, and still I am left to muse: This sentence was forced upon my kind, But why, and by whom? An answer I must find. The time draws near when I will find the truth; Yet still I ask myself: Who would give me ruth? Here I lie beside my grave, A twisted secret, I am craved"
So, comments? Criticism?
-- Edited by Wolf on Sunday 12th of April 2009 05:43:18 AM
I definitely like the use of vacabulary, rythm and the over all poem. The last line in the first stanza though... Please explain the wording, for it greatly confuses me, though I understand the actual meaning of it.
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07.08.13
okay, then. unfortunately loving an idiot who doesn't love me back. but i'm not falling. i just kind of... am. .
Sorry for the late reply - been busy with stuff all over.
Lily wrote:
I really like it, wolf. Something tells me you'd get along very well with my friend Marj. She writes poems like this aallll the time.
Meh... I try to shy away from the words "poems" and "poetry," but thanks, nonetheless. By "this" you mean darkish, right? =P
Timbersong wrote:
Nice wolf. It flows really well =)
Thanks.
Shadowstorm wrote:
Wonderful flow; I can feel a rythm working, too. Don't worry about the rhyming; it's great.
Thank you.
Florestadream wrote:
I definitely like the use of vacabulary, rythm and the over all poem. The last line in the first stanza though... Please explain the wording, for it greatly confuses me, though I understand the actual meaning of it.
Thanks. You mean, the "Signs of what's to come; hints at who's to die" line? It's supposed to be like when someone trails off while talking about something and makes odd comments about random things. I guess. That's the best way that I can explain it right now.
oh yesh I mean darkish. (She doesn't liek the word "poem" either xD) she writes such morbid poems that I don't even liek to touch anymore. They're filled with blood, and death, and... just, ick. (We're the least likely friends, but the best. :DD)
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