Warrior Cats: The Four Clans

Souki · Rogue

RE: [ CRITIQUE!! ] if you'd like some opinions on works of fiction P:

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Okay! Thanks Souki! =3

Rustfur · Rogue

okay here's a story i put up recently, i want your lemon juice mockingness critiqute (can't spell to save my life) cuz i want someone to slam me in the face other than ebbs.

                                Adventures of Gaddy and Demitri

                                                 Adventure 1, Lost Memories
                                                           Chapter 1

Demitri sighed as he watched the rain fall. The window had condensation and wood holding it together was old and worn to the point of crumbling.

"Eveing' Demitri, how's the weather'?" a young sarcastic voice called from the slamming door. Demitri turned to look and saw no-one other then is best friend. "My word is that you, Henry P. Zone? The same Henry P. Zone who ran up and dopwn the highschool halls covered in mustard screaming, 'I'm a baboon!'?" He smiled and chuckled a bit.

"In the flesh. I admit it was worth every penny." Zone awkwardly kackled.

"Yea every penny that I dared you with." Demitri raised a brow and smirked, leaning on the chair he was once sitting in watching the rain. "So how's Debby treating you?"

"For the last time her name is Dawna, not Debby, and she's fine, she's a hard stubborn girl, but, that's muh' sister. How's Keran? That old bat been hauntin' ya no doubt."

"Oh come off it Zone. She's just trying to protect her house, and what ever lives in it."

"See Demitri? That's the problem. I always see someone up in that house with a candle, watching me from that top window. It's the only window on the house. The rest is walls, a roof, and a door. Even though it's a big house."

The room grew silent as a chill entered. The rain grew harder as it plummeted to the ground, makeing a sickly cracking noise. A low hum rang through the room. "Well I best take my leave, see ya tomarrow Demitri!" Zone said walking to the door. Demitri gazed lifelessly out the window to see the one windowed house. There a candle was lit and a female's outline stood gazing back at him. They both were stuck in a meeting glance. Zone hesitated before leaving the house. The figure waved to Demitri, he blinked as he watched the girl. Then he realised something was flying twoards the window. Demitri threw the window open and swiftly grabbed what was flying to him. He opened his hand to see a sliver chain with a heart shaped locket. He opened the locket slowly as it made a snapping sond, showing that it was unlocked when he reseived it. Inside was a photo of a girl. She had red hair in a frizzy ponytail, she had glasses and odd glinting gold eyes. Demitri blinked twice before looking back up to see that the figure was not in the window, and the candle was blown out. He sighed and stuck the keepsake in his pocket.

-- Edited by Rustfur on Thursday 25th of February 2010 08:07:18 PM

Moonstar · RiverClan Leader

Scorchheart, I couldn't help but notice that you said if you continued you the story, you might make less errors. As a writer myself as well, I've come to realize that sometimes CONTINUING a story trying to use the advice isn't as effective as EDITING the chapters someone has given you advice on. Try putting Souki's advice to the test by editing your previous chapters, then repost them and see what she says. With the critique she's already given. it'll be hard to go onwards anyway without revising and editing, so I definitely recommend that(:

Souki · Rogue

so the primary emotion i felt as i read this was complete and utter irritation. i really can't tell you why because i don't know myself; i just got really annoyed as i read this. anyway, onto the technicalities before i expand on my own opinions.

general notes!!

like i said, USE SPELL CHECK. disgusting spelling is no reason to turn readers off when you have an invention as grand as spell check. keep 'em around for as long as possible before your lack of an interesting story line and bad choice of words scares 'em off.

one.

"Eveing'" -- firstly, USE SPELL CHECK. secondly, why in the name of all things holy is there an apostrophe right after the g. :I
"weather'?" " -- again with your apostrophe.
"young sarcastic" -- there should be a comma after 'young'. in addition, since i can't really imagine any of you writing an old guy, there isn't any need for 'young' unless he's really young, like three years old. however, taking into account that he's old enough to use those words, he is not young. secondly, how the heck are those words sarcastic? they are not, by any stretch of the imagination, sarcastic.
"called from the slamming door" -- unless you live in some universe completely and utterly estranged from mine, i'm pretty sure that you can't call from a slamming door. even if you are the slamming door itself, the most noise you would make would be the slam, hence "slamming door". make it clearer that your character is speaking over the sound of the slamming, or that your character is the cause of the slamming.
"door. Demitri" -- put a line break between these.
"look and saw" -- repetitive verbs. boring, annoying, waste of space; just condense it. there shouldn't be any confusion if you use one word.
"no-one other" -- awkward. it's better known as "none other"
"My word is" -- it should be, "My word, is..." since no one's going to say MY WORD IS ... in a complete and utter monotone without the pause that comes after my word.
"Henry P. Zone" -- usually when people are trying to be complete and utter jerks (for lack of a better word available to me) they use their whole names, including their whole middle names, not just their middle initial.
"dopwn" -- again spell check just reading your spelling mistakes is raising my ire -___-
"highschool" -- two words.
"." Zone awkwardly kackled." this is just so..... ugh. when people use "adjective verb" they typically end their dialog with a comma. right now it's basically like "penny <fullstop.> Zone awkwardly CACKLED (spell check!!!!)." it's like lolwat. wat r u trying to pull. so either add that comma or change it to 'cackled awkwardly'
"a brow" -- which brow are you talking about his forehead or his EYEbrows hmm.
"on the chair he was once sitting i" -- awkward. rephrase.
"nd she's fine, she's a hard stubborn girl" -- run on. in high school four run-ons gets you an auto fail for your essay.
"h' sis" -- where are you pulling these things out of? too lazy to use backspace, too, now? :|
"silent as a chill entered" -- why would a chill suddenly enter. elaborate
"The rain grew harder as it plummeted to the ground" -- no really i was under the impression that rain fell upwards and got softer...!!! but really specify what grows harder because even if rain falls faster as it falls further it doesn't get harder. it doesn't suddenly take on a solid shape.
"makeing" -- -tears at your throat!!!-
"room. "W" -- line break between those two words.
"door. Demitri gazed lifelessly" -- this is a huge jump from your bantering. stick a line break in there and then describe how he's all despondent now that his bff is gone now or something
"They both were stuck in a meeting glance." -- oh so accidentally meeting someone's gaze makes you stuck :/ that doesn't make any sense.
"Demitri, he blinked" -- either have it Demitri, WHO blinked, otherwise it's a run on.
"twoards" -- -____-#
"swiftly grabbed what was flying to him" -- WHAT A GREAT IDEA LET'S OPEN THE DECOMPOSING WINDOW IN THE RAIN TO LET IN MORE CHILL SO I CAN CATCH THIS QUESTIONABLE UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT FLYING TOWARDS ME. WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING DANGEROUS AND OH BOY I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT'LL HAPPEN NEXT!!!!! .____________. there's a better way for him to come into contact with that thing without going LULL LET'S CATCH THIS STRANGE THING THIS ONE CREEPER LADY THREW AT ME 8)
"locket slowly as it made a snapping" -- the impression you're giving here is that he opened it as it snapped. since i'm pretty sure that''s not what he did, change it.
"sond" and "reseived" -- -___- need i say any more than SPELL CHECK and PROOF READING.
"the figure was not in the window, and the candle was blown out" yeah well if the candle's blown out tell me how in the name of all things holy that you could tell that the person's gone. if it were bright in there the person wouldn't need a candle. which, i might remind you, makes heckuva lot less sense than using a FLASHLIGHT or installing LIGHTS since if there's mustard to be wasted running through the hallways of a high school, it's prolly the 21st century
"He sighed and stuck the keepsake in his pocket." -- yeah let's randomly keep this one object that was flying towards my window propelled by god only knows what. brilliant idea. we'll see how long you survive irl.

so basically this is a pretty nonsensical story. plot's decent i guess (eh not sure if there's a plot) but it's pretty devoid of common sense and logic. work on characterization and btw if obnoxious characters manage to annoy the reader....

there're enough annoying people irl to deal with; there's no need for more.

v. tired, still kinda sick, not my best job ._____. i'll revise it later when i'm not feeling dead.

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Okay, thanks Moonstar!

Ebonycloud · WindClan Deputy

Hmmm... Im thinking of putting up a short story here. Im not one for critizism but it might be fun to be everyone's cannon foder. Ya' know, being the one everyone gets to laugh at while Im being brutally beaten by Souki with my own asophogus ^^" However, i would have to make up a story... Hmm... Since Im a lazy person i guess i will just turn my first chapter of The New Clans in to story form and see how it stand up to Souki's wit and gramatical anger XD

Florestadream · RiverClan Warrior

This is just the prologue to my story. ^^' I know it's rather rushed, but it was a spur of the moment thing. And things will definitely get more interesting. I will post the first chapter once it is finished. [:

and crit as mean as you want. i can take it. xD

NOTE: this is about a time-traveler. ^^' you'll see in maybe the second chapter. i'll post chapter one and two, instead, i guess. :3

...When I was little, my father, baby sister and I would walk around our city. It was a rather rural city -- populated, but safe. Nothing ever happened in the part we were in, so I often stayed inside the music shop while my father taught my sister to walk, since my mother had passed away. The owner of the music shop also ran the cafe below the shop, but he mostly stayed in his shop, also tuning the violins, violas, cellos, and other instruments.
...I took a fancy to his job, and once I had turned six, he started to teach me to tune the instruments. By the age of sixteen, I could tune every instrument in his shop just as well as he could -- he liked to say I had a gift, but I always just came in early. He didn't exactly have the best memory.
...I suppose that was a good thing... since on the day of my highschool graduation, a murder took place in Mr. Horner's music shop. Not the town's first death -- there's been drug overdoses and gang-beatings and car-crashes, but never a murder so... different.
...Mr. Horner loved to garden if he wasn't tuning instruments or running the cafe. Behind his building, he had a large lot with many plants in it. Next to that lot happened to be a shed. You see, Mr. Horner usually locked that shed, so the fact someone got into it was interesting. But the fact they took a shovel and beat Mr. Horner to death was even more disturbing.
...But the worst part was...
...That I took over his shops. And I will always step into that room, over and over again. Until I get it right.

-- Edited by Florestapaw on Saturday 27th of February 2010 07:35:08 PM

Souki · Rogue

@florestapaw;

one.

"a rather rural" -- if it's rural, it's rural. if it's not, it's not. i don't think it can be ~rather rural~
"Nothing ever happened in the part we were in, so" -- i can't see how that requires a "so" transition
"the owner of the music shop also ran the cafe below the shop" -- ??? what? who is this owner. is it your father? very confusing.
"stayed in his shop," -- which shop, the cafe or the music one. he also kinda has to run both so :/
"also tuning the violins, violas, cellos, and other instruments." -- this is redundant. just say from the very beginning that he tunes instruments and be done with it, although i have to say, if you have to run to your music store to get your string instruments tuned you'll have a pretty busy life. mm my g's a little off i think i'll go say hi to the guy down the street who tunes things.
"tune the instruments" -- again, redundancy. what else would you tune if not the instruments? a car?
"but I always just came in early" -- ....??
"thing... since" -- you don't really need the ellipses. a comma will do fine.
"tuning instruments" -- is that the only thing that he does? tune instruments? and (again, bringing up the fact that you've got issues if you can't tune your own string instrument) if that's the only way he keeps up his music store, who's gonna pay the guy every time they want someone to tune their cello or whatever? also who's gonna lug their bass there? there's nothing an electric tuner can't do.... i mean pianos and other percussion are understandable and i can't talk about wind instruments because i personally don't play it but :/
"You see," -- yeah well normal people lock their sheds. there's nothing "you see" about it.
"someone got into it was interesting." -- there's nothing interesting about breaking into a shed. now, if someone broke into the white house, that's interesting. but not a shed. if it had jewels in it, fft, well then, what kind of idiot hides expensive crap in the shed? :/
"even more disturbing" -- compared to what.
"the worst part was..." -- i can't see how that's worse than someone getting beaten to death with a shovel. and the ellipses combined with your line break makes it sound like you're trying too hard, and it doesn't give the right feeling anyway.
"That I took over his shops" -- you're a little young, dontchya think?
"And I will always step into that room, over and over again." -- that's usually what you do when you get a job.
"Until I get it right." -- i wasn't aware you could step into a room the wrong way.

Florestadream · RiverClan Warrior

Thank you for the critique. About your last few bullets, those sentences will make more sense when the time traveling part comes in...