Warrior Cats: The Four Clans

Rustfur · Rogue

RE: [ CRITIQUE!! ] if you'd like some opinions on works of fiction P:

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Hi again! Could you use yer' Blunt hammer to the Face critique? I'd like to see how you look at this chapter:

Chapter 7
We all woke up the next day after sleeping for an extra seven hours. I yawned and stretched, my small size not helping me with trying to get the large and torn up blanket off of my small body. Some of the others didn't want to get up, and they grumbled with the effort of trying to keep the blanket over themselves. "Wow, this place is weird! I cant believe were actually here!" one of the kit squealed in delight. "Well, were cats, er kits, and we need breakfast, and from what the books in the second series of warrior cats said, there's plenty of prey to go around in this house."I sleepily mewed.

"But..we've never tasted a dead mouse and things like that." another one mewed in protest. "I cant say much, but we have to eat if we want to live. And from the looks of it, you guys were in the slumms like I was" I replied in my calm and unemotional voice, knowing that some of these kits might recognize me from the RP my character was in. "I'm gonna catch some food."I added to the kits as the rest of them blearily got up and started walking around, tripping over their stubby legs.

I came back with a large rabbit in my mouth, my chest heaving with each breath as I tried to take it over to the others. It would feed all of us with its large size. "How could you have caught that and not ended up dead? Its impossible!" a kit cried as I brought it over. "Not even a drop of blood is on your pelt!" she reminded me of Souki. "Well, it saw me and tried to run away when it fell down the stairs and broke its neck."I calmly replied. "It was hard to get this huge thing all the way back up here with out falling down the stairs."

The others reluctantly went over to the dead rabbits body, each taking a tiny nibble of the still warm flesh. Surprised looks came across their faces as I too took a bite."Wow, this is good! I didn't know bunnehs tasted like this!" one of them squealed. She reminded me of Mossflower. I took a few more bites, and soon, we were all literally inhaling the rabbits flesh as we nibbled away at it.

Now there was just an ear left, and I and another kit stared at each other. All of the other kits were stuffed with rabbit meat, and were excitedly watching who would get the last bit. I sat down and stared at the other kit with a blank look on my face."Ya wanna share it?" I asked him calmly. But before he could answer, another kit leapt into the room and leapt at the rabbit ear, and started running off with it. My group of kits started bursting with laughter, staring at me and the other kit as we chased the black kit around the room, trying to get the ear back.

After much running and jumping, I had the ear in tiny mouth, and the other two kits were staring at each other with exhaustion. They saw the ear and now I was getting chased around! I jumped on top of the mattress as they chased me and I bounced straight out the window, leaving the ear there. All the other kits ran up to the window seal to find me on the other one that was on the floor below them!

"What the?! Are you okay?!"one of the kits shouted down to me as I sat there. The black kit was nibbling on the ear we had fought over. "Fine. How'd I get down here?"I called up. Suddenly, the window seel gave way and I feel into, or on top of the branch of a nearby tree. The other kits were still staring at me when I looked down. I saw two cats coming towards the house. They were Firestar and Brambleclaw! The other kits had sat back on the bed, trying to think of what to do. Except for the black kit. He had just dissapeared.

I fell out of the tree as Firestar and Brambleclaw were coming closer to the house, and ended up softly landing on Brambleclaw's head! Brambleclaw looked up at me and I looked down. Firestar was just comin closer about to nab me, and then I skirted of back towards the house. I saw a few more Thunderclan cats right on my tail as I went in shouting"We've been found!"

The other kits started scrambling about the house, trying to find a place to hide. I ran up the stairs and they his in anyplace they could find, and one tried out a mouse hole! Brambleclaw, Firetar, Squerrelflight, Leafpool, and Spiderleg entered the house and started searching for us. I was hiding on the staircase, when one of them saw me. He leapt at me, trying to get a hold on my scruff, and I fell off of the stairs. Thinking silently"Ah well. My ma doesn't have to pay funeral bills til she finds me" and suddenly, I landed on Spiderleg. He turned and tried to catch me, and missed me. All of the other kits were already running outside too!

We streaked out of the house with the Thunderclan cats a few tail lengths away, and went straight into Riverclan territory. I saw Mothwing drinking at the river and leapt over her with the rest of the kits as we tore through the forest, trying to find a way to escape this madness. Suddenly, we all came to a halt as we noticed yet another cat in front of us. Leopardstar. "How the-?"she cried as we crashed into her. We all ran off as soon as we got up, some of us apologizing to her.

As we ran, we looked back to find that we now had TWO patrols on our tails, and they were just a few fox lengths away. How we had gotten into such a mess still remains a question in my mind. We all saw the Shadowclan border, and only half of us stayed together. One half ran back into Riverclan, while I and three others ran into Shadowclan. Realizing where we had gone, the others soon caught up. I saw an abandoned fox den and leapt in with the others close behind. We all hid there until we were sure that they had left us, and then started talking.

"That was? And he was?!" a kit astoundingly cried as the others listened. "Those were the very cats from the second series books." one of then answered in a sure voice. "But how??!" another one said. It was mid day. "We don't have much stamina. Let's take a nap before anything else."I told them. And yet again, we fell asleep.

-- Edited by Scorchheart on Monday 8th of March 2010 10:28:26 AM

Darkflight · Loner

Hullo there, sweet heart. ;D Just kidding, just kidding. I want a sweetened critique, just give me grammatical error checks and some added blows to my ego. By the way, really short excerpt. The one that I had -attempted- to tell you about. Lul. (Mostly dialogue.)
-

"Your tears save lives?"
"Only when I want them to." He answered, and left me with more questions.
"Are you an angel?"
The man thought for a moment. "One so young," He preached to me as if I were a child, "Should not ask questions so difficult to answer."
I thought children were supposed to be curious.
Offended, I retorted, "Then what are you?"
"I," He chuckled, "Am an old man."
"But you are so young!"
"A few minutes ago I destroyed this body," He explained, his lip twitching up into a smile, "And in order to live, I stole this child's soul and consumed it."
I stared at my arms; stared at the bloody stubs where the hands had been, and looked back at this angel.
And I understood that we were on a very thin line.

ksfvv WC hates my ancient word, also. lol

-- Edited by Darkflight on Wednesday 10th of March 2010 05:29:52 AM

Souki · Rogue

@scorchheart;

i'm tired and haven't been in the mood to crit lately, so i'll give you the cheap lazy v without the quotes and if i'm feeling up to it i might go back and edit it.

seven.

how would you know that you slept for seven hours, anyway.
again with the line breaks for dialog.
calm and unemotional. if i didn't know better i'd think you were trolling. from all the spazzing that you've done i'd peg you as anything but calm and unemotional.
you're a kit. a kit is small as you so intelligently pointed out in the beginning. you can't catch a rabbit i don't think.
i think i'd kill myself if i were anything like how you portrayed me. i can't even see how that would remind anyone of me. like i said if you don't know someone irl don't use them in your story. trust me. i am very different irl from my online persona here. |:
fell down the stairs. and broke its neck. i don't even... rabbits are not HUMANS. they are not clumsy, stupid creatures, k.
bunnehs. what. the. cow. -___-
just an ear left. what did you eat the bones too. and the eyeballs. and the teeth. and the brains. shall i go on?
yes i love how you're still a mary-sue in the fact that you "caught the rabbit" and you're the victor with the bunny ear.
so it might help if you let me know what the setting was seeing as i went from chap three to seven. idek where they are so i'm guessing you're in a house but if you're in a house where in the name of god did the rabbit come from.
window sill. SILL.
again confusion. i think the logical conclusion would be to just see you know, cats. but seeing as i haven't read the chapters before this |:
so they've been searching for you. and they're so desperate as to look for you in a twoleg house? |:
a mouse is small and while kits are small (HEMHEM) i'm pretty sure it's not small enough to get into a mouse hole. also should i remind you that you're hiding from cats here. i really doubt that hiding is going to do anything.
i wasn't aware you could think loudly.
medicine cats search for wayward kits? |: with a party of fifty million (five)?
wait what how are you directly--i could have sworn you were in a house....?
wow two patrols i really don't think you're that important unless you like, massacred their leader and half the clan or something.
so they just now notice the fact that they're book characters and i can't fail to note that you already knew from the very beginning. chalk another fifty points to "mary-sue". at this rate you'll be a bigger sue than bella swan and / or sasuke uchiha |:

@darkflight;

|: better be.

one.

children are meant to ask difficult questions |: silly OLD MAN. instead of eating children maybe you should hang around 'em for a while longer. (i imagine their souls can't be v. tasty.)

uh there's not much to say |: there's no characterization or anything so i can't see what you want me to read and look over T:

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaa! Mary Sue! I can't helplaughing at it! The name is sooooo funny! Thanks fer the critique! Hahaha! I didn't know that my humiliation was so funny!

Souki · Rogue

...you don't know what a mary sue is? :c
that might be part of the problem. you can go to the wiki for a kinder description of it? |:

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Thanks Souki!

Darkflight · Loner

LOLYES! Old man, indeed. lD
And yeah, not much description going on so you don't have much work to do.

Scorchheart · ShadowClan Warrior

Here's the prologue for a new story I'm writting! Could you use the same critique for it? I'd like that. =3

Prologue:
It was a stiff and hot day in class room 17. As Ichio sat there reading my thick and boring text book, his mind became distant. The social studies teacher, Mr. Miotadski, was talking about the revolutionary war in 1776. He drawled on and on about it all day, not knowing that he neve quite got the point across to his students that his class was for learning. But most of the students used that class time to day dream, just as Ichio was right then.

He had been writting a book about Pandora's lunch box, a mythical and legendary item mentioned in many of the folk tales that he normally read. The lunch box was said to have stored all of the univers's evil inside, hidden under lock and key. He had been quite interested in the box for a while, and had decided to make his own ideas of it seen in his own writting. It was also a very popular item with the students, all of whome decorated their own lunch boxes to be as such. Yet none of them had a detail that only the true and nonexistent box had. But not even he seemed to be able to figure out what that one detail was.

After class, Ichio took his usual rout to get to his next class room, room 3. But as he walked through the school hallways, he noticed that several students had stopped and had created a circle around that very class room. He pushed past some of the students and peered inside. A girl was standing in the room, and was holding a lunch box behind her back, as if to gaurd it. Another girl stood in the room, glaring at her and holding a pistole. She laughed"Pandora's box is mine! Give it to me!" she wore strange clothing. Almost ancient looking. She wore a dress of the darkest black, red shoes shining underneath, and a red hair tie keeping her black hair tied back.

The sound of gunfire rang out as she fired at the girl, who fell to the ground, soaking it with blood. Sh still gripped the lunch box. Several people screamed and Ichio raced into the room. He pushed the girl with the pistole and she stepped backwards, her face twisted and consorted into an evil grin. She laughed like a crazed and daranged madwoman, dropping the pistole as tears soaked her dress, spilling out in streams from her eyes. She then vanished, and all that was left of her was the pistole.

Ichio was holding the girl as teachers and the principal ran into the room. She came close to his face and whispered"My lunch box... open it when I say to..." and her head fell back, mouth lulling open. WHat did she mean? Ichio took the lunch box and rode with the girl in an ambulance, her skin pale and blood slowly coming out of her leg. She woke up a few moents later, and shelooked at him with distant eyes. "I... am pandora...you.. shall be the gaurdian.. of my box..."

Souki · Rogue

@scorchheart;

prologue;
SPELL CHECK BEFORE WE ALL GO BLIND.
i can't even count the number of times i've told you this already. i mean a couple are okay but i don't think this has seen the holiness that is spell check in quite possibly ever. |:

i don't think days can be stiff :/
ichio. really? |: i don't really think that's a name... ichi is one so "one o"? :/
how is he reading your text book.
miotadski. i don't think it's possible to even write a name like that. the japanese only have a d sound that is followed by a vowel |:
there kind of wasn't really much of a war in 1776 |:
so he was reading a book and then he was also magically daydreaming at the exact same time he was writing his book.
there's no legend about pandora's lunch box. |:
there are no folk tales about it either. they're called MYTHS.
seenth. i can't even guess what that word's supposed to be.
popular with the students? just seconds ago it was a lunch box that was in ~folk tales~ and ~legends~.
lol rout.
if he's going to room 3 chances are mr name-which-is-not-possible probably wasn't yammering all day was he now
that's not a but sentence
lol a pistole. i thought i mentioned this before.
i'm pretty darned sure that "ancient" clothing does not include red shoes.
the girl's still a girl until you change the subject to a dead body and only then may you refer to it as it
lunch box i don't even know what to say anymore
a consort is like the spouse of royalty or a musical term or basically something that goes with something else. you can't have a consorted expression ._.
yes why not run into a room where a murder just happened and contaminate all the evidence!
the principal's an idiot too.
yeah more than just run into a room let's HOLD THE DEAD AND DYING GIRL TO BOTCH UP THE EVIDENCE EVEN MORE
pandora's a name i have you know. a proper noun!
why would you go with her in an ambulance you don't even know her
lulling is not the adjective you would use.

next time i won't even touch it if you can't use spell check. 100% of these spelling errors can be avoided by just copy pasting it into a word document or something |:

i'm also repeating everything over and over again. if you can't learn i don't see why i should waste my time by repeating everything five times.

your lack of continuity and flow can't be helped i suppose but none of it is improving and again, i don't see why i should continue with this if it's you don't learn from your mistakes -___-